TwentyFour: Alone
by aswiftlytiltingreality
Summary: Post-BDM, spoilers. Everyone has someone except Jayne and River and they're to blame for everything.
1. At Fault

**I own nothing.**

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Everyone was just so happy and she couldn't understand it at first. She couldn't understand it until she looked around the dinner table and Noah's Ark suddenly came to mind. Mal had Inara, Simon had Kaylee, and Zoe still had Wash. As if sensing her thoughts, Wash looked over and smiled. River shifted uncomfortably. It was hard to convince people you were sane when a dead pilot insisted on speaking to you. She turned back to the others who were laughing and carrying on as if Miranda had never happened. Inara was gently holding Mal's hand under the pretense of extreme amusement at his story. Kaylee was resting her head on Simon's shoulder and Zoe's arm was resting on the back of Wash's old chair, smiling to herself. They were all so full of life and she was full of theirs. So why did she feel empty? Why wasn't she past it?

_"It wasn't your fault."_

If she ignored him, he might go away. He might go back to the bridge and keep his dinosaurs company. She couldn't understand why he always talked to her when everyone was around. Kaylee kissed Simon on the cheek and River frowned. She felt so alone all the time. She glanced to her right out of the corner of her eye. Jayne wasn't eating again. And again, no one but her had noticed. He had that same dark look on his face, too, like maybe he was trying to figure out what had gone wrong. He glared at her out the corner of his own eye. He still hated her. He respected her, but hated her nonetheless. It didn't hurt her as much as it had because some days she also hated herself. He hated himself everyday. That hurt her. It hadn't been his fault what had happened to Wash and Preacherman. It had been her fault.

_"Mei-mei, it wasn't your fault!"_

"Always my fault," she muttered under her breath and Jayne stiffened beside her. Jayne patted her shoulder awkwardly. She smiled up at him with a watery smile. "Hard to believe you and her are the same."

He pulled away from her and tensed further. Her smile fell and she lowered her head to look at her lap. "We're both lonely. So very lonely."

She looked back up around the table and he followed her gaze. She was right. No one understood-not even the others. It had been his job to protect them all and he had failed. Wash and Book weren't there because he had failed. And River. Everything had happened because she had known something she shouldn't have. They were both at fault.

"Surrounded by family and so very alone," she whispered. When she left a moment later, he was the only one to notice. He left soon after, making his way toward his bunk when he noticed the chill. Every now and then one would come upon a cold spot somewhere on the ship. It was usually on the bridge, though Zoe sometimes complained her bunk was pretty cold. River was up on the bridge spouting off more of her moonbrained nonsense.

"It is my fault, Little man," she said, causing Jayne to stop and listen. "I never should have stayed. You would be with your woman. Jayne would not feel so lonely. He would not blame himself for you and Preacherman." There was a moment of silence and then River cried in a desperate voice. "Why are you still here? Why can't you leave me be. I don't want to be more crazy and alone."

He didn't know what it was that made him go to the bridge, but he did. He didn't say a word to her, just sat down in the pilot's chair and stared out at the stars. He exhaled and his breath puffed out in an icy cloud. He looked over at her and found her studying him. He only nodded and went back to staring. Then he realized she was no longer in the copilot's chair, but standing next to him. He unfolded his arms and looked up at her, opening his mouth to ask her what she was doing when she disentangled the blanket from around herself and climbed into his lap, covering them both. "It is cold because he won't leave. He knows we are lonely."

Jayne didn't answer. What could he have said. He sat stonily, trying hard not to touch the small girl in his arms.

_"It isn't your fault."_

Jayne tensed even more and River wondered if on some subconscious level he had heard Wash. She snuggled further into Jayne's chest and sniffed, "It is our fault."

Jayne's big hand settled on her back and began to rub slwoly, comfortingly. "Yeah, it is."

Jayne didn't remember falling asleep. All he remembered was the sound of River crying into his tee shirt, and the odd sensation of someone hand on his shoulder. Then he was waking up to find Zoe staring down at him with hard eyes. There wasn't a moment that didn't go by that he didn't feel guilty about the pain she was feeling. He had failed them all. Zoe's eyes shifted to River for a moment and then back to him. As if her point had been made, she turned and stalked off. Zoe hated them both. He could see it in her eyes whenever someone said their names or one of them spoke. She blamed them just as much as they blamed themselves and she had every right. Jayne shook River gently and she lifted her head slowly, rubbing her eyes blearily. "She doesn't hate us as much as she did," River said in a groggy voice, "but you are right. It is deserved."

He hated that she could read his mind and once that thought enter his mind, she looked down, properly chastised. "Can't shut it off. I am sorry."

He would have to get used to it. Why hadn't he gotten used to it already? They'd been on the same boat for over a year and he was still creeped out by her being able to see in his mind. He ignored the amused look on her face and set her on her feet.

"Friends unwillingly. Brought together by circumstances outside their control," she said, amused with her own observation. He ignored her and continued to do so even as she followed him to the mess. "Two peas in a beat up pod. Not good enough for Serenity's soup. Tossed into the garbage heap soon!"

He grabbed a cup of coffee and slumped down into his usual chair. River sat down next to him and nodded sadly, as if confirming his thoughts. "We will do the tossing, Jayne Cobb."

He grunted and sipped at his coffee some more. She ran her finger along the cracks in the table before turning to look at Zoe, who was staring at the empty seat on her left. "Alone together. Always."

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A/N: yes, I know, I should be working on "Deuces are Wild" and "The Perfect Fit", but this kept eating at me. Whether or not I continue this is up to you. tell me what you think and I'll add more. I've already got it worked out in my head. 


	2. The Warriors Who Fall

** i own nothing. go me!**

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They really were alone. Simon and Mal no longer ran around the ship trying to find River whenever she slipped off and hid. They were all too wrapped up in living the way they believed they ought to-ignoring the pain that Miranda had brought to them. Jayne even caught himself making unnecessarily crude remarks just to see if anyone would call him on it. No one did. The only one who did notice his behavior was River. She had stopped coming to eat dinner with the rest of the crew. She would take her plate and wander off. He figured she was up on the bridge talking to Wash. It didn't sit right with him, her talkin' to the dead like they was still around 'live an' kickin'. He didn't blame her though. If the livin' weren't gonna pay no attention to her an' the dead was willin' to...well, what could it hurt? After sitting with the rest of the crew at dinner for a month without even a glance in his direction, Jayne had finally had enough. He slammed his hand down flat on the table as hard as he could, startling the other occupants. He grabbed up his plate and mug of protein coffee and started for the door.

"Jayne, you forgettin' we eat together?" Mal asked in an even, yet authoritative voice. Jayne stiffened and turned back to look at him. "Ain't sure if you noticed, _Captain_, but some of us ain't here no more an' those of us that is you been ignorin' cause we done failed ya. Thinkin' maybe there ain't no need fer yer feng le rule no more."

"Where you goin'?" Kaylee called as he stomped off. It was out of his mouth before he could stop it. "Ta eat with River an' Wash."

Someone's fork clattered to their plate, but nobody followed. He hadn't expected them to. It was cold on the bridge, just as he knew it would be. Somehow though, it was unbearably warm. River smiled up at him in her knowing way from her place in the copilot's seat. He nodded at her and glanced over to the pilot's chair.

"You can sit there. He wouldn't mind. He liked you, Jayne."

_"Just because I'm dead, doesn't mean you can tell him that!"_

"He liked everybody," Jayne mumbled as he sat down. River nodded and pushed her protein mash around on her plate. Jayne couldn't think of anything to say and so decided silence would be best and concentrated on his food. River made no move to speak either.

_"Oh God, Oh God, we're all gonna die?"_

Jayne looked up to see River's fork hanging in the air, her eyes clouded with tears. She was staring at Wash's dusty toy dinosaurs. He noticed that the Tyrannosaurus was on its side and he righted it gently. River stared up at him with her wet, shining eyes. "I miss them."

_"Ha, ha ,ha! Mine is an evil laugh, now die!"_

Jayne nodded and scraped the last of his food off his plate. He stood and made his way back to the mess. River followed, her own plate in hand. She hadn't eaten much, but he hadn't eaten much as he normally would have so he wasn't going to get on to her for not having an appetite. They dumped their dishes into the sink simultaneously, ignoring their crew mates, who were eying them with expressions ranging from curiosity to contempt.

_"They'll understand one day."_

Why couldn't he leave her alone? River glared at the pilot, aware of the worried looks she received from everyone excluding Jayne. He was staring off in the same direction with a confused look on his face. He felt it but didn't see it. He felt it just the way he felt the guilt. River turned and fled for the bridge. There were just too many ghosts. Too many voices screaming at her, telling her what she had done wrong. She pondered making off with one of the shuttles and heading straight for reaver territory briefly. She pushed the idea from her mind quickly. If she left Jayne would have no one. She wondered if Jayne would go with her if she told him she wanted to throw herself to the reavers. He was whispering around her again, laughing.

_"It's okay, just rub some soup in their hair. They'll forget all about it."_

River crawled under the copilot's chair, gripping her head in hands as she curled farther into herself. "Stop talking to me! Stop making me remember what I did wrong!"

She let out a choked sob. "I can't be crazy, I'm not crazy, no more crazy!"

"Hey."

River started, crying harder as she burrowed farther into the corner between the seat and the control panels, shaking her head. "No, no, no, don't make me crazy, Wash, can't be crazy!"

"Hey." A large hand grabbed at her forearm, pulling it away from her head and it took her a moment to realize it belonged to an actual person. Jayne was staring down at her with a wary expression. "Now, don't cut on me'r nothin'. I'm just makin' sure yer okay since it don't seem no one else is gonna."

"I'm not crazy," she whimpered helplessly, "they keep telling me I am and telling me it's my fault. I know it is! I know it is!"

She was screaming suddenly. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I didn't know! I'm sorry!"

Jayne gave her a hard shake. "Hey, you're gonna be okay-"

"We'll never be okay. It'll never be okay," she wailed, falling against him, "they're all dead. All of them. They're screaming at us. 'Your fault, all your fault' they say. We killed them!"

"I know," Jayne said once he found his voice. He stared down at the crumpled form before him, his entire body aching with guilt. He felt heavy. "I know."

River laid her head down on the grating, letting the cool metal burn her cheek as she stared at his booted foot. "It should have been us. We are the warriors who fall in battle."

She suddenly became hysterical again, crying and laughing manically, "Bullet in my brainpan and it all would have been over. I should have let you do it."

He didn't argue. She was right, but then she would have been dead. That didn't sit too well with him just then.

She turned slightly to look at him. "You think of me as a friend now?"

"No." It was the truth, though he didn't hate near as much as he had a mere twenty-four hours ago. She pursed her lips. "I don't hate you as much either."

"I'll hate ya less if ya promise not ta go crazy an' grab me by my nethers ever again," he joked, trying to lighten the mood.

She shook slightly from laughter. "Okay."

_"We always hoped you two kids would get together..."_

Jayne shifted again and picked at the knee of his pants. River moved the slightest bit away from him and said in a small voice, "You don't have to stay here with me if you don't want to."

Jayne stared over at the pilot's chair, imagining for a minute that Wash really was sitting there playing with his dinosaurs. He really thought he saw Wash turn to watch them for a moment. He grinned to himself, feeling a little less guilty for a moment. "Like you said this morning, Crazy, we're alone together. Always."

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A/N: It may end here. It may not. If this continues, it'll be a series. 


	3. Defining Loneliness

**I own nothing.**

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It was becoming a regular occurrence every time they were dirt side. Jayne would slink off to a bar and get completely wasted. Sometimes he would come back with no more than a few scratches or a black eye. Other times, he would have broken ribs and his face would be so bruised and battered he was unrecognizable. No one ever asked him why he did it. But they all felt the need to tell him the disapproved. Simon would refuse to fix him up every so often and it would be his sister that took care of the drunken mercenary.

_"River, if he doesn't stop soon..."_

River had followed him out to the bar that night. She had watched him drink himself into a coma. She had been the one to drag him up. "What're you doin' here?" he asked in surprise. He hadn't expected anyone to come after him. Not even her. She didn't answer as she helped him up off the hard ground. He had started yet another bar brawl and they had thrown him out into the alley for it. His face was already bruised and battered. His split lip was bleeding freely. He stumbled up the ramp into the ship, a bottle of whiskey still in his hand. River pulled the bottle from his fingers and he didn't struggle to hold on to it. She walked behind him up the stairs to the infirmary, pushing him forward when he started to fall back. He refused the local as she began to stitch up his left eyebrow. "Jayne, you can't do this anymore."

"I know," he ground out, wincing as the needle pierced his skin once more. "I just don't feel like I can be here anymore."

"Then leave," she said in a monotone voice. He stiffened and she looked from her work to his hard eyes. If there was one thing he had learned from all this misery, it was that River Tam could not read his mind when he was drunk. He licked his split lip and looked away, groaning as he shifted on the small bed. "I ain't leavin' ya here alone."

"You still have to stop," she said, ignoring his words. "You'll die if you don't."

"Maybe, I want to die."

She moved to clean the blood from his cuts. "I do, too."

"Then why ain't you gettin' drunk with me?"

She pressed a square of wet gauze to his lip and held it there firmly. "I don't like alcohol." She looked up to his eyes again. "Promise me you'll stop or at least try, Jayne. If you die..." She refused to finish the sentence. She picked up a pair of tweezers and began the task of digging gravel out of his bloodied scalp. Jayne let out a growl as she pulled out a particularly large pebble embedded in his scalp. She rubbed some disinfectant on it and moved away from him. "If you die..." she said again and Jayne nodded and closed his eyes. Once she was sure he was asleep, she ventured to her own room for some much needed rest. It hadn't been but an hour or so until she felt him stir. She rose from bed quickly and went to the infirmary. Jayne, along with the bottle of whiskey she had set on the counter, was gone.

She found him huddled behind a large crate. She stepped towards him slowly. He looked up when her bare feet came into view. His eyes were wet, blurry. "Shoulda let us all die. Then no one'd be able to blame us fer nothin'. Be able to blame us fer lettin' em' die."

She lowered herself down beside him, pulling her knees up against her chest as she leaned back against the hull of the ship. It was Jayne's turn. He stared down at the swirling brown liquid in the bottle and sniffed. "I shoulda just killed em' with my own two hands. Been just the same. 'Sposed to protect em' an' instead I let em' die. Book was my only real friend an' I let him die. An' Wash. I wish Zoe'd shoot me."

"I don't want you to die."

"It would be your fault if I died just like it'd be my fault if'n you died."

"Yes."

"I don't hate you anymore," he slurred as he lifted the bottle to his lips, "I didn't hold the line good 'nough."

"The one time we're needed to do our job and we fail," she murmured, "we're pathetic."

"Least I got my looks to fall back on," Jayne muttered. "May be a failure, but I'm a good lookin' one."

"You won't be for long if you keep going out and getting yourself beaten to a bloody pulp," she chastised gently, nudging his outstretched leg with her big toe. He took another long pull from the bottle. "Wasn't expectin' to come back."

He cast the empty bottle aside and River stood, pulling him with her. "I won't be able to get you to your bunk."

"Leave me in the lounge."

"Do you want me to stay until you fall asleep?"

"No," he lied. She helped him to sit down on the old couch and sat on the other end. Jayne was volatile when he was drunk and coming down from his buzz. It was best to give him space. However, Jayne had other ideas. He fell back on the couch, his head landing in her lap heavily. Her leg was going to bruise. He closed his eyes and mumbled in an irritated grunt. "Kinda nice havin' someone takin' care of me fer a change. Nobody never really ever paid much attention ta me anyways. Was always just shoot this, steal that'."

"You're one of the only people on this ship who hasn't tried to stick a needle in my arm."

"Yeah, I just hit ya instead," he muttered in shame. She shrugged. "It works."

"Ain't right to hit girls. No matter how crazy they are. You don't hit em'."

River wiggled about under him and he cracked one eye open. "You leavin'?"

"Your head is very heavy," she explained, "my legs are falling asleep."

He sat up and pulled her legs up onto the couch, pushing her up against the back of the couch. He rolled his eyes at her bewildered expression. "You ain't my type so don't think this means nothin'. Just tryin' ta make it so we're both comfortable."

He stretched out farther down on the couch, letting his head fall on her stomach. "How's'at?"

"Better," she said slowly. "I still hate you."

"Ya have yer reasons. They're good ones."

"You lied when you said you didn't hate me anymore."

He was quiet for a moment. "Thought maybe you would leave if you knew I still hated you."

"You were alone. You needed me."

"Not you specifically."

"You're lying again."

"Yeah."

River wiggled one leg out from under him and threw it over one of his. "You eat too much."

"I ain't fat. I'm all muscle," he argued, huffing slightly. She snorted, smiling down at the crown of his head. She ran her fingers through his hair unconsciously, careful not to touch any of his cuts. Her smile faded. "It will never be the way it was. They'll never forgive us."

"No, don't expect they will," he said in a sad voice, "can you blame them?"

"No."

"Why ain't they as tore up about it?"

"They aren't alone and they aren't to blame the way we are." She mussed his hair and then smoothed it over only to muss it again. "Mal has Inara, Simon has Kaylee, and Zoe still has Wash. She'll always have him."

"They ever stop hatin' us?"

"No."

"River?"

"Don't, Jayne."

"I'm leaving next planet we're on. It's for the best."

She stared up at the ceiling. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I want you to go with me."

"Because if I don't, you'll be alone."

"Well, I guess that's a part of it."

"No."

"Why not?"

"I said no."

He frowned at her answer. "Well, I know that, but why?"

"You don't want to be lonely. That's not a good enough reason."

"I'd stay if you asked me to."

"No you wouldn't."

He picked at a spot on the couch cushion where the upholstery was coming undone. "Just thought if I said I would you wouldn't be so mad at me."

"I'm not mad."

"Now who's the liar?"

"Me going with you won't help make everything better."

"I know."

"You hate me."

"So?"

"I hate you."

"What does us hating each other have to do with this?"

"Nothing. My answer is still no."

"Okay, well, if you change yer mind."

"I won't."

"Women are always changing their minds."

"Well, this one never changes her mind," she snapped. He didn't answer and she nudged his shoulder. He grunted and shifted slightly in his sleep. She ran her fingers through his hair once more and glanced off towards the doorway to find Wash staring at her with a sad smile. River turned her face away and curled her fingers into Jayne's hair.

"S'cold," Jayne murmured into her stomach.

_"Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?"_

River turned back to face him. She smiled slightly at the empty room as the air warmed once more and her tears flowed freely. Wash smiled down at her as he began to back away. _"This is going to be interesting."_

"Define interesting," she said quietly, but he was already gone.

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A/N: I've decided to break it off here and continue with a separate piece. so there will be a sequel. or you can consider this the prequel. however you want to view it. Reviews would be nice and the companion pice to this will be up soon. 


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